The "before" and "after" photos of your diet plan are dramatic, but it's the "during" photos that will fill the jury box with vomit.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Experts agree that getting enough sleep is important, but they look like the kind of cunning, crafty experts who would love to catch you unconscious.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
By the time government troops are able to cut through the locks of your Love Zeppelin and "rescue" everyone inside, you'll already be a folk hero.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Sharpening the nation's steering wheels and promoting proper tire deflation will be your first priorities when you're appointed to chair the Institute of Highway Danger.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You'll get a chance to do it all again knowing what you know now, taking the fun out of about 15 Super Bowls.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You're the prime suspect after witnesses overhear you say you're "so hungry I could eat either a horse or the dismembered body of the vice-president of that bank on Garfield Street."
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Piracy is still a major problem in the Philippines, but that's a pretty lousy reason to want to move there.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You suspect it was a misprint when the newspaper claimed that drinking a glass of red wine once a minute is good for the heart, but what the hell.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Very few of your monetary problems will be over when you win the record-low lottery jackpot of $.0000017 million.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The pilot will make an emergency landing because of you, in spite of your repeated and emphatic insistence that you are not a suspicious object.