Kindliche Kaiserin (tink_loves_bell) wrote in ecwcconnection,
Kindliche Kaiserin
tink_loves_bell
ecwcconnection

This was, sincerely, really funny. Read it!


INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________________________



CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________



CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm
not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________



CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.

____________________________________________________________



CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 500 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________



CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
mpressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________



CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone!

_____________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________



CHILI # 8 TOM'S SUPREME CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

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